Straws Pulled at Random.

I can't stop thinking about this crazy thing called happiness.
Not so much how one attains it; not even so much about what happiness is.

I keep expecting Alaska to be about new opportunities, about getting away from all the things that keep plaguing my mind. I want to just escape. Not have any of the problems from home up there. Just be free, but now I am starting to think I'll get up there and stress and worry.
Money is probably one of the biggest stressors in my life... nothing new, it's just.... I push it back and make it a non-issue and then it all catches up and blindsides me.
I don't think I'm going to be away from this financial fuckhole for a long long time.

I can't stop reminiscing. Lately, it's been much worse than usual. I can't escape from memories and I can't stop thinking about things that I should have stopped thinking about long ago.

Erik was right, I did eventually learn to find alot of solace and such within myself.
I've really learned that the only place I can be okay is when I'm with myself.
Okay, that's a complete lie.

I can't put into words how I feel about much of anything.
It's frustrating and stifling because I'm used to being able to convey my feelings and thoughts, and I've supressed myself to the point of feelings and thoughts being nothing but instinctual.
Like, I know they are there, but I can't identify them or anything like that.
This is probably the worst feeling in the whole wide world.
Feeling completely frustrated, completely out of place.
I know it's going to pass, it usually does. I'm feeling like it's just a depressive episode coming on.



All the same, I have some good news.

1.) I'm still madly in love with Toki Wartooth.
2.) I'm GOING TO SEE MESHUGGAH NEXT WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!

um, that's more than enough good news for me.
Ha, I don't NEEEED to add anything to my bulletined list.





I think I'm cursed.
What else explains having such unfortunate events happen so continuously to one person???
Someone tells me I have the worst luck of anyone they know, and I don't even believe in luck!

Then, I started thinking. About karma.
I don't know. Here's my thing.
So, I started examining it. What could I have possibly done that warrants what has happened to me to have happened to me?
(Not that I am suffering through major things - just constantly negatives, with no hope seemingly for anything to improve)

So, I wonder, if it is possible that this is like reverse kharma... you know...

I don't know.
I'm really really happy with who i am... I am happy with my interests and pretty set in my dislikes. I like my sense of humor and my habits...
So, I dont' want to really be anyone else. Just me in a different scenario or something.




I seem to be not compatible with anyone. I'm so picky and harsh and critical. And I guess I have obscure interests or combination of interests.... that's probably what it is.
But either way, I just feel like I'm going to be lonely forever.
I pick out flaws in people when it comes to new comers.

I don't mind that I do that, it means I'm discerning, right?


Yeah, ready to see Meshuggah.

Concludes.

I like this. Alot.

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth."

Tab, ftw!

By the way, a new - less lame - layout will be up on this blog by the end of the day. Swear.

p.s. I still love Tab!

Yah, Bitch, Yah!

Get out my face, ho

I can't clear my mind of all this clutter that's sitting around gathering dust and weighing down my thought process.
That death exhibit posted below really kind of cleared up some water for me. Like, I don't want to end up like that poor lady - not able to get/do the things I waited for, you know. I guess you don't realize all you have is the now.

My friendships are starting to really seperate. Into true friends and not so friends, I guess I kinda sifted through the muddy water. I'm still pulling for those of you who didn't/shouldn't have made the cut.

But whatever. On Easter, I spent the day alone. I drove around and I went and spent hours at the bookstore and I got some hot tea. Mainly, though... the highlight? I went to the park and walked the trails. Taking pictures and kind of soaking in myself and whatever the fuck it is that I am doing.
It was nice, I had some good thoughts I should have written down - but didn't - and now I keep thinking I want to write but nothing I have to say is really worth writing down.
Who knows...

It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.

I really want to go dancing. I want to go to a jazz club and drink wine and dance all night long. Cheesy I know. I love it, though. And we all know I'm not the best dancer, ha.

I'm excited about NOLA, even if I do decide just to go for the concert and come back, it's going to be fun.
I'm also excited about the prospect of Pensacola and the candy bar at Jessi's wedding.
So much stuff going on, and I don't know how to get everything done before I fly away from this place.
I'm getting so excited and so nervous and all those things all at once....

A woman is a woman and a man ain't nothin but a man.

Have I mentioned lately that Floyd is the greatest thing I ever came across? Our paths were meant to cross, hell he was born on my birthday!
I guess something good comes out of something bad usually.

And I realize lately that I feel less anxious.
I'm going to be okay, it's a nice feeling.
This freedom thing is nice too...
Long overdue, says I.

A year ago... things were so so different.
Whew.

I'm getting too deep, boring, I know.

Go look at the motherfucking exhibit. It's neat.

Also, check this

and this is a neat "japanese iq test" I owned it, and then the playas do some cool commie dance.
Check it.
Word

Makes you think.

Check out this exhibit.

"Gerda couldn’t believe that cancer was cheating her of her hard-earned retirement. “My whole life was nothing but work, work, work,” she told me. She had worked on the assembly line in a soap factory, and had brought up her children single-handedly. “Does it really have to happen now? Can’t death wait?” she sobbed"

THEATRE BUMS!

I am going to post the same thing I posted in a bulletin just a minute ago, they are from the facebook group and there are hundred of them. It just reminded me what a magical time in my life that was. I thank everyone who was involved in that period. It was my salvation and it is truly what made me who I am today, whether that be good or bad. I sure did find my calling in life - I'm sure of it - and if not that then hands down (or up!) it is my passion. I love everyone I met in those times and I miss every single one of them. The scottish play - above all -was the most magical time in my life ever.

I love you guys, you are always and forever going to be my family and my best friends. Seriously...



-You know you can't leave a karaoke party early, because you HAVE to sing Bohemian Rhapsody
-Delhi is people, not a place
-Someone says "Blue flame" and your eyes light up
-It's not uncommon to see a guy in the girl's dressing room.
-You basically live off of Fazoli's.
-You think Sand Lawn is god of the universe. (Or maybe that's just David...)
-You go to every practice for a play...even if you're not in it.
-Duct tape fixes everything.
-You're already in at least three other strauss facebook groups.
-You've seen every guy at the theatre in a dress.
-You hear Mrs. Marcy say she's making a bra for David's uni-boob and think nothing of it.
-You feel no shame bumping into a fellow actor (gender-alike or otherwise) while in your underwear or very little other clothing.
-You've intentionally changed your conversation because a Matherne waked up.
-You can name all nine Matherne children in order." (Or I guess now-a-days the Medlins or Bransons would apply too. But if you're REALLY hardcore, you can name off the dynasties before the Mathernes: the Medfords and the Pritchards.)
-You can recall three different Cathy-rants.
-You audition, and then make, every musical of the season, even though you're the first person to proudly admit that you can't sing or read music...
-You've seen CeJay almost accidentally kill himself/die at least three times at theatre.
-You get nervous before "notes"
-You've ever signed an autograph during school shows at meet and greet.
-You know what it's like to dress up like something that isn't a human.
-You've eaten more than two cookies when interning. (hahaha)
-You have a favorite kid and a least favorite kid at workshops.
-You remember there not even BEING a stage
-You remember callin the youngstage answering machine to get the cast list instead of them calling u individually
-You can tell the Ham's apart
-You know where "Mailer Demon Address Unknown Fatal Permanent Error" came from
-You have ever dressed in the vent room when the casts were HUGE, and there was no where else for them to put you to change
-You don't remember if it is YoungStage or Young Troupe?
-You know these words make you either cringe or join in:"Once upon a midnight dreary..."
-Someone ever yells "Hands Up" you automatically shut up and look at the person who is talking
-You have ever had the urge to yell "Hands Up" because people are being loud
-You remember the first Sand Lawn musical, and bow to him every time a show is having a curtain call
-You still catch yourself saying The Scottish Play, even if you aren't near the theatre
-You remember when we got in trouble for hugging at the theatre and were banned from even being beside someone of the opposite sex
-You remember extreme fight choreography training AKA Jacob bootcamp for Romeo and Juliet
-Someone yells "On Guard" and you automatically get into "fighting stance" and yell Hiah
-Someone yells "Assume Fetal Position" and you automatically think of Andrea (and wonder where that came from)
-You remember theatre sleepovers
-You can't believe that some people you did plays with (way back when) are getting married and/or already have kids!!!
-You start thinking, OMG it seems like we were just talking about how we were waiting for our parents and we couldn't drive yet
-You remember standing in line (before kids had cell phones) with Mrs. Daria, and calling your parents because rehearsal was done early (you had to dial 9)
-You remember Mrs. Daria
-You remember THE SUMMER OF LESLIE
-You remember when they made up the BUMS, and how most of us had already met all of the requirements because we had been there for so long
-You remember when we had those awfully colored, very hard to sit on benches and the stage was turned where the "backstage cross area" was backstage.
-You remember when all of the set pieces were rolled on on platforms, and that's what the tech was used for.
-You remember having 5 school shows per cast, and 3 shows a day.
-You've been at a school show day for a show that you had absolutely no involvement with, and were excused from school for it.
-You've technically F-6'ed a school year, because of all the shows you did, but the principal didn't care because they like the last show you were in.
-You're teachers quit looking at what they were signing when you handed them another excuse.
-You've just not bothered with the school excuses.
-You've been recognized off stage, and been called you by your character name.
-You realized that no matter what anyone said, theatre really WAS more important than school, especially in the last two weeks of rehearsal.
-You've spent more time in a week at the theatre than at home.
-You remember Saturday rehearsals with a lunch break.
-You realize that Fazoli's only stays open because of us.
-You've been in at least one senior show.
-You realize that the people from the YoungTroupe are the greatest in the world, and you compare the rest of the world to them.
-You know that you actually do blocking in the dance studio, and choreograph dancing at the last minute on stage.
-You both love and fear Thursday afternoon during workshops: Its almost over, but Cathy had just begun putting together the HUGE scene for the show tomorrow, obviously haivng forgotten that she was dealing with 5 year olds.
-You remember having the whole cast over at BAM for the Harry Potter release party.
-It scares you to meet people who have no interest in theatre.
-People ask you what's on your iPod, you rattle off a list of shows, before realizing that they will have no clue what you're talking about.
-You scoff when you hear that someone is in a play at their high-school.
-You remember David Kaul saying "No, really. Try not to go upstage, it's still wet" or "I just painted the walls, don't touch them" Five minuites before curtain on opening night.
-You've taken apart the stadium seating, and re-built it in the same weekend
-You've had to do tech for a show you were acting in
-You've answered your house (or cell) phone "Strauss Theatre center, Young troupe, how may I help you?"
-You've said " Man, that's some really good blood!" as you eat it off of a dead character. With bagels.
-You remember playing pranks during shows - and then someone ratting you out for putting Icy-Hot in the blood bag, even though it was too late to get the Anbesol out of the blood caps.
-You've found your own shoes ferreted away in the shoe closet upstairs, and decided to leave them.
-You have your own secret family recipe for stage blood.
-You've appeared on stage wearing your own clothes.
-You start buying your work clothes at Goodwill so you can buy your costumes at the mall.
-You've "cleaned" a tuxedo with a magic marker
-The audience recognizes you the minute you walk on stage because they saw you taking out the trash before the show
-You've appeared in a show where an actor leaned out through a window without opening it first
-You've BEEN RECUITED to do tech ten minutes before the show starts. Or to be in the cast for that matter...
-You start to realize, despite what mrs nan thought, cathy does NOT use microphones... and mentioning them can earn you a very terrible look

I have started a million and a half blogs lately, but my motivation got lost in the shuffle.
I'm sitting here listening to the metal music channel (which is surprisingly impressive!), and kind of waking up for today.
There are a couple of realities I am wrestling with... and a couple of realities I'm consciously trying to avoid.

Ugh.
I guess, since I lack motivation to say the million things I've been dying to say for a week now, I'll just say thanks to Josh, Carol, Dan, Andy, Erika, Kathleen, and the ex-YoungTroupe bunch for coming out to the show.

I'm really going to miss those cool cats in my life.
Only like... 3 or 4 more Wednesday nights, so remember that anyone is welcome to come with us on Wednesday nights... the more the merrier, I always say... okay, I don't say it so often - whatev.

NOLA + Meshuggah = closing in quickly!
yipee! I can't wait to see them play, I've really been getting more and more stoked about this show as it nears.
Jessi's wedding is zooming in as well.
That's kind of bittersweet for me. I'm super excited for her. The guy is amazing and her new step daughter is the shiznit. Seriously, I'm going to scoop that bad ass kid up and steal her away if I'm lucky!
But, a year ago, I had Jessi as my best friend. A year ago we spent all our time talking or hanging out and she was the one to go to all hte metal shows with me and help take pictures of the guys and drink with me and so on.... Even after she kinda ceased on the metal shows she was still my wine buddy.
Times change, and I'm not wishing for her to be back in any place othre than the one she is, because I am beyond thrilled for her... but it's between her and losing Jessica, and by losing Jessica I mean we still say "best friends" for the sake of the title but I think that's it. She was in town last weekend and the one before and I didn't get to see her, nor am I going to see her before I go to Alaska.

And time goes on.
I have some amazing people in my life.

I also have a few people in my life who are awesome because of intent and nothing else, ha.

This is not enlightening or filled with words of experience and thoughts that I've been writing in my head since Easter... this is just plain ole complaining about things that in the end are mediocre.

Stupid, i tell you.
Stupid.
Now, go make plans to see Dhalsim at Harlequin Alley Friday in Shreveport... at like, super early.... 6 or something...